I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
where are my eyebrows?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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