I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
