Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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