Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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