One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
