I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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