hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
