guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
