put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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