can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
