I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
