i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
