Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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