just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
