her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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