I'm going to jail i love you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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