Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
