um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
