it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
