Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
