I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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