i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
