You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize