Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
