I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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