I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
