I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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