you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
