GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
