Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
