Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
