dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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