you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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