she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
