Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
