I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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