I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
