I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
