I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
