The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
