Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
