so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
