I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
A bitchslap is in order.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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