I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
