She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
