I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You ruined the universe
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
