Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
