Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
