I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
When are your genitals available?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
