If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
