I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
