I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
