Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
