Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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