Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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