i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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