is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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