Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
