remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
