This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
