He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
