I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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